Tool #5
Know When to Hold 'em, Fold 'em, Walk away, and When to Run
I always ask people, "If you had to choose one motto by which to live your life, what would it be?" I have never heard anyone say my favorite
motto, well, except "The Gambler". My favorite motto is, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away and when to run." This is particularly true in relationships.
How many times have you been in a situation where you knew that your best move was going to be to just put yourself and the other person on hold, not say anything, and wait for a better moment? That's called "hold em".
There are those time when you know you don't have the winning hand, so you "fold 'em". You yield until the next hand and then you try again.
And I'm sure we've all had times when the best thing to do was to "walk away", or even "run".
Unlike the gambler, playing a game of cards, we are playing the game of life, which sometimes hit us fast and hard. We don't always get the opportunity to make a conscious choice about how we are going to respond to another person or situation. We can't always be that present in the moment. Sometimes we react in a way that isn't necessarily going to help the situation because we are coming from some past experience or story. For example, sometimes we hold when it would have been much more effective to fold, walk away or run!
The Wisdom of the "Gambler"
I have used the "wisdom" of the Gambler for a very long time in my own life. In some ways the Five Rings system of stress response can be compared to the Gambler. The five rings are ways of being in the world, corresponding to the elements, wind, water, fire and ground. The 5th ring is space, the pause in between each moment.
To "hold" is ground, holding your ground. To "fold" is water, yielding. To "walk away" is wind, and to" run" is fire. Of course it's not really that simple, but it's a beginning, one example of how to use this information as a tool in your life. Each of these rings has a powerful side and a not so powerful aspect. Most of us, when pushed to react, will tend to react in one of the rings most frequently. Sometimes that response will be effective and sometimes, more often, it will not, because it is a stress response, not an empowered response, not a conscious choice.
If you are not living in the present moment in your life, you will tend to bring your history, your truth about the situation to the present moment. When you do this you will tend toward the same reaction in most situations, chances are it will serve you positively some of the time, but,since you are dealing with so many different types of people and situations in your life, and not really responding to the present moment, much of the time you will experience your reactions as ineffective.
The goal is to become present in each moment of your life. As you do this, you will begin to recognize, know and understand your own stress response, and then to know and understand all five rings. When you understand all the rings, you will be able to recognize the ring from which the other person is coming, and then you will be able to choose the best ring with which to handle each situation or person that comes your way in the present moment. You will know when to hold 'em, fold 'em, walk away and run from a conscious, present and empowered place.
Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052
For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path
The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
What's the most important "must have"?
What is the most important "must have"?
The most important "must have" is that you must be on the same page in your personal and spiritual growth. If you don't have this in common, one of you will always be dragging and pushing the other and there will be resentment and stress on the relationship. When you feel confident based on the other person's consistent actions (not just their words), that they are on the same page as you in growing and changing, I say, go for it! Dive in! You will never know if that person is right for you if you don't dive in.
Of course you want this person to have your other "must haves" too. and then there's just good old common sense.
Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052
For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path
We always invite comments!
The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...
The most important "must have" is that you must be on the same page in your personal and spiritual growth. If you don't have this in common, one of you will always be dragging and pushing the other and there will be resentment and stress on the relationship. When you feel confident based on the other person's consistent actions (not just their words), that they are on the same page as you in growing and changing, I say, go for it! Dive in! You will never know if that person is right for you if you don't dive in.
Of course you want this person to have your other "must haves" too. and then there's just good old common sense.
Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052
For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path
We always invite comments!
The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...
How do we know when it's safe to dive into the relationship?
How do we know when it's safe to dive into the relationship? What's enough?
Common sense is huge in this decision. The truth is that we know more than we let ourselves know about ourselves and other people. The key is to know yourself and to be able to be honest with yourself. How can you trust another person if you don't trust yourself and you can't be honest? You need to be honest about what you really want. In any area of your wants, you can characterize your wants in two types: "must have" and "would like to have but I can live without". "Must have" wants are the deal breakers. These are the qualities and aspects of the other person that cannot be compromised. If you compromise your "must have" list, you will have a very difficult relationship and are less likely to make it as a couple. I have worked with couples who have none of their "would like to have but I could live without" and their relationships are good. They each get those other needs met by other people and in other ways. On the other hand, I have rarely seen a couple who don't have their "must haves" make it.
Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052
For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path
Next article...
What is the most important "must have"?
The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...
Common sense is huge in this decision. The truth is that we know more than we let ourselves know about ourselves and other people. The key is to know yourself and to be able to be honest with yourself. How can you trust another person if you don't trust yourself and you can't be honest? You need to be honest about what you really want. In any area of your wants, you can characterize your wants in two types: "must have" and "would like to have but I can live without". "Must have" wants are the deal breakers. These are the qualities and aspects of the other person that cannot be compromised. If you compromise your "must have" list, you will have a very difficult relationship and are less likely to make it as a couple. I have worked with couples who have none of their "would like to have but I could live without" and their relationships are good. They each get those other needs met by other people and in other ways. On the other hand, I have rarely seen a couple who don't have their "must haves" make it.
Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052
For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path
Next article...
What is the most important "must have"?
The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...
What do you do after you get that date?
What do you do after you get date?
And what about after you actually get into the relationship? I love that now there are all these wonderful ways to meet and find the partner of your dreams. So now, you've found that person...you've met...you've gotten to know each other...and now it's time to "get involved". What is "getting involved"? It's about the process that I refer to as the "trust test". We all do it, so let's just call it what it is. It's like getting ready to dive into a cold, unheated swimming pool. You put in one toe to test the water. You leave it in the pool for awhile. Then you maybe put in all the toes, or the whole foot and so on, until you are used to the water. That's what we do in relationships, in a manner of speaking. We enter into the relationship one toe at a time, observing, questioning, wondering when is it ok to trust? How do we know when we can trust the other person? How much of our foot do we put in before the dive? The whole foot? The other foot? A leg? Or do we just keep testing the water and never dive in? For me, over the years, before I figured out how to know if it was ok to dive, I would either jump in with both feet, blindly trusting, or I would put up the wall, not even dipping a toe. It was always very black or white to me and I never really had anything to base it on, except, of course, what other people thought.
Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052
For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path
Next article...
How do we know when it's safe to dive into the relationship? What's enough?
The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...
And what about after you actually get into the relationship? I love that now there are all these wonderful ways to meet and find the partner of your dreams. So now, you've found that person...you've met...you've gotten to know each other...and now it's time to "get involved". What is "getting involved"? It's about the process that I refer to as the "trust test". We all do it, so let's just call it what it is. It's like getting ready to dive into a cold, unheated swimming pool. You put in one toe to test the water. You leave it in the pool for awhile. Then you maybe put in all the toes, or the whole foot and so on, until you are used to the water. That's what we do in relationships, in a manner of speaking. We enter into the relationship one toe at a time, observing, questioning, wondering when is it ok to trust? How do we know when we can trust the other person? How much of our foot do we put in before the dive? The whole foot? The other foot? A leg? Or do we just keep testing the water and never dive in? For me, over the years, before I figured out how to know if it was ok to dive, I would either jump in with both feet, blindly trusting, or I would put up the wall, not even dipping a toe. It was always very black or white to me and I never really had anything to base it on, except, of course, what other people thought.
Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052
For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path
Next article...
How do we know when it's safe to dive into the relationship? What's enough?
The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Online Dating--a Few More Thoughts
Online dating—a few more thoughts…
I have been doing some more thinking about online dating services like match.com and eharmony.com. I am fascinated with how many couples I work with, whether it be performing their marriage ceremony or taking my marriage prep class that met through these services. They are so well matched and they seem to know one another better than some other couples I work with that met in other ways and have been together much longer. These couples often emphasize how great their communication is. The truth is that the success of your marriage is not so much based on how you meet but on how you are in relationship. Are you being authentic in your relationship or are you diminishing yourself to be what you think the other person wants you to be? Or maybe a little of both, depending on the situation and the day!
Healthy relationships require a risk from both people in the relationship to be present with an open heart. Maybe people who choose the match.com or eharmony.com route tend to be people who have previously been in so many unfulfilling relationships or have met so many people who refuse to be in relationship authentically, with their whole heart that they are ready to be in an authentic, whole heart relationship and they find one another through these services. I don’t know…I am only going by what I hear from the couples I work with and other people I talk to.
I would like to see dating services like match.com and eharmony.com become more respected as a viable way to meet someone who is a good match for you.
I have been doing some more thinking about online dating services like match.com and eharmony.com. I am fascinated with how many couples I work with, whether it be performing their marriage ceremony or taking my marriage prep class that met through these services. They are so well matched and they seem to know one another better than some other couples I work with that met in other ways and have been together much longer. These couples often emphasize how great their communication is. The truth is that the success of your marriage is not so much based on how you meet but on how you are in relationship. Are you being authentic in your relationship or are you diminishing yourself to be what you think the other person wants you to be? Or maybe a little of both, depending on the situation and the day!
Healthy relationships require a risk from both people in the relationship to be present with an open heart. Maybe people who choose the match.com or eharmony.com route tend to be people who have previously been in so many unfulfilling relationships or have met so many people who refuse to be in relationship authentically, with their whole heart that they are ready to be in an authentic, whole heart relationship and they find one another through these services. I don’t know…I am only going by what I hear from the couples I work with and other people I talk to.
I would like to see dating services like match.com and eharmony.com become more respected as a viable way to meet someone who is a good match for you.
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