Tool #5 The Wisdom of the Gambler

Tool #5

Know When to Hold 'em, Fold 'em, Walk away, and When to Run

I always ask people, "If you had to choose one motto by which to live your life, what would it be?" I have never heard anyone say my favorite
motto, well, except "The Gambler". My favorite motto is, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away and when to run." This is particularly true in relationships.

How many times have you been in a situation where you knew that your best move was going to be to just put yourself and the other person on hold, not say anything, and wait for a better moment? That's called "hold em".

There are those time when you know you don't have the winning hand, so you "fold 'em". You yield until the next hand and then you try again.

And I'm sure we've all had times when the best thing to do was to "walk away", or even "run".

Unlike the gambler, playing a game of cards, we are playing the game of life, which sometimes hit us fast and hard. We don't always get the opportunity to make a conscious choice about how we are going to respond to another person or situation. We can't always be that present in the moment. Sometimes we react in a way that isn't necessarily going to help the situation because we are coming from some past experience or story. For example, sometimes we hold when it would have been much more effective to fold, walk away or run!

The Wisdom of the "Gambler"
I have used the "wisdom" of the Gambler for a very long time in my own life. In some ways the Five Rings system of stress response can be compared to the Gambler. The five rings are ways of being in the world, corresponding to the elements, wind, water, fire and ground. The 5th ring is space, the pause in between each moment.

To "hold" is ground, holding your ground. To "fold" is water, yielding. To "walk away" is wind, and to" run" is fire. Of course it's not really that simple, but it's a beginning, one example of how to use this information as a tool in your life. Each of these rings has a powerful side and a not so powerful aspect. Most of us, when pushed to react, will tend to react in one of the rings most frequently. Sometimes that response will be effective and sometimes, more often, it will not, because it is a stress response, not an empowered response, not a conscious choice.

If you are not living in the present moment in your life, you will tend to bring your history, your truth about the situation to the present moment. When you do this you will tend toward the same reaction in most situations, chances are it will serve you positively some of the time, but,since you are dealing with so many different types of people and situations in your life, and not really responding to the present moment, much of the time you will experience your reactions as ineffective.

The goal is to become present in each moment of your life. As you do this, you will begin to recognize, know and understand your own stress response, and then to know and understand all five rings. When you understand all the rings, you will be able to recognize the ring from which the other person is coming, and then you will be able to choose the best ring with which to handle each situation or person that comes your way in the present moment. You will know when to hold 'em, fold 'em, walk away and run from a conscious, present and empowered place.

Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052

For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path




The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...

What's the most important "must have"?

What is the most important "must have"?

The most important "must have" is that you must be on the same page in your personal and spiritual growth. If you don't have this in common, one of you will always be dragging and pushing the other and there will be resentment and stress on the relationship. When you feel confident based on the other person's consistent actions (not just their words), that they are on the same page as you in growing and changing, I say, go for it! Dive in! You will never know if that person is right for you if you don't dive in.

Of course you want this person to have your other "must haves" too. and then there's just good old common sense.


Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052

For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path

We always invite comments!





The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...

How do we know when it's safe to dive into the relationship?

How do we know when it's safe to dive into the relationship? What's enough?


Common sense is huge in this decision. The truth is that we know more than we let ourselves know about ourselves and other people. The key is to know yourself and to be able to be honest with yourself. How can you trust another person if you don't trust yourself and you can't be honest? You need to be honest about what you really want. In any area of your wants, you can characterize your wants in two types: "must have" and "would like to have but I can live without". "Must have" wants are the deal breakers. These are the qualities and aspects of the other person that cannot be compromised. If you compromise your "must have" list, you will have a very difficult relationship and are less likely to make it as a couple. I have worked with couples who have none of their "would like to have but I could live without" and their relationships are good. They each get those other needs met by other people and in other ways. On the other hand, I have rarely seen a couple who don't have their "must haves" make it.


Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052

For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path


Next article...

What is the most important "must have"?

The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...

What do you do after you get that date?

What do you do after you get date?

And what about after you actually get into the relationship? I love that now there are all these wonderful ways to meet and find the partner of your dreams. So now, you've found that person...you've met...you've gotten to know each other...and now it's time to "get involved". What is "getting involved"? It's about the process that I refer to as the "trust test". We all do it, so let's just call it what it is. It's like getting ready to dive into a cold, unheated swimming pool. You put in one toe to test the water. You leave it in the pool for awhile. Then you maybe put in all the toes, or the whole foot and so on, until you are used to the water. That's what we do in relationships, in a manner of speaking. We enter into the relationship one toe at a time, observing, questioning, wondering when is it ok to trust? How do we know when we can trust the other person? How much of our foot do we put in before the dive? The whole foot? The other foot? A leg? Or do we just keep testing the water and never dive in? For me, over the years, before I figured out how to know if it was ok to dive, I would either jump in with both feet, blindly trusting, or I would put up the wall, not even dipping a toe. It was always very black or white to me and I never really had anything to base it on, except, of course, what other people thought.

Diana Morgan, M.A., H.H.E., Minister
PO Box 553, Santa Rosa, CA 95402
707-548-7003 or 925-980-9052

For information about performing ceremonies: Blessings To You
For information about relationship workshops, coaching and marriage prep: Whole Heart Path


Next article...

How do we know when it's safe to dive into the relationship? What's enough?



The #1 reason marriages break up is because they lose site of the love that brought them together. I help couples break through their personal barriers, opening their whole heart to experience their authentic connection. The Whole Heart Path awaits you...

Online Dating--a Few More Thoughts

Online dating—a few more thoughts…

I have been doing some more thinking about online dating services like match.com and eharmony.com. I am fascinated with how many couples I work with, whether it be performing their marriage ceremony or taking my marriage prep class that met through these services. They are so well matched and they seem to know one another better than some other couples I work with that met in other ways and have been together much longer. These couples often emphasize how great their communication is. The truth is that the success of your marriage is not so much based on how you meet but on how you are in relationship. Are you being authentic in your relationship or are you diminishing yourself to be what you think the other person wants you to be? Or maybe a little of both, depending on the situation and the day!

Healthy relationships require a risk from both people in the relationship to be present with an open heart. Maybe people who choose the match.com or eharmony.com route tend to be people who have previously been in so many unfulfilling relationships or have met so many people who refuse to be in relationship authentically, with their whole heart that they are ready to be in an authentic, whole heart relationship and they find one another through these services. I don’t know…I am only going by what I hear from the couples I work with and other people I talk to.

I would like to see dating services like match.com and eharmony.com become more respected as a viable way to meet someone who is a good match for you.

Online Dating Services

Today I am particularly moved to write about matching services like www.Match.com and www.eharmony.com

I have been performing marriage ceremonies for over 20 years and during that time, I have had the opportunity to experience so many different types of connections between couples. At this time, about 30% of the marriage ceremonies that I perform are for people who met on www.Match.com or www.eharmony.com.

Let me make it perfectly clear that this is not an advertisement in any way, shape or form. This article is strictly based on my observations. I’m writing this article because I am moved and inspired by the connections I see in some of these couples. I am impressed and I don’t impress easily!

When I meet with a couple for the first time, I always ask them how they met. Used to be that they would get the red face, look at each other and start laughing and then I would say, “Oh, you met online.” They would say “Yes, but we tell people we met on a blind date”, or “Yes, but we tell people we met through mutual friends”. More and more, they just look me straight in the eyes and with a huge grin, together chime in, "match.com" or "eharmony" or some other online avenue.

I never really did understand that whole stigma around meeting someone online. I guess it came from the few bad apples/experiences that came out. I always say, it’s not how you met…it’s what happens afterwards that counts. People have met their true love in so many different ways. Who’s to say one way is right and another isn’t?

Anyway, back to my discussion of online dating services…

It seems to me that the connection these couples find with one another is so deep. In fact some of the deepest connections I have ever seen have been between couples who have met online. Maybe they take extra time to get to know each other because they want to be especially cautious, having met online. Or maybe they are able to go deeper because many couples spend the time corresponding in writing for quite awhile before they meet.

When a couple contacts me to schedule a consultation, I give them a pre-marital ceremony questionnaire to fill out and return to me before we meet so I can get to know them a little. It gives them a chance to think about things they might not have thought about with regard to their ceremony, their marriage other topics.

Some couples don’t fill out the questionnaire before we meet. Some fill it out together and either bring it to the consultation or email it back to me before we meet. Some take time to fill it out individually and either bring them to the consultation or email them back to me before we meet. And then there have been those couples who are in a category all their own, the couples who met online. They often fill out the questionnaires with so many details, pages and pages about their feelings and thoughts on marriage, their story of how they met and what they love about each other. They tell me their whole life story. Not kidding, some of these questionnaires have come back with 20 – 30 pages of responses. Don’t get me wrong…that’s not what I expect from any couple. The average questionnaire comes back with 3 or 4 pages and that gives me enough of what I need to know before we meet. I usually find out the rest when we meet.

The point that I am making today is that I don’t really understand the stigma around online dating services. Some of the most amazing couples that I have married met on match.com and eharmony.com. So I say don’t be embarrassed about how you met. Focus on what you are doing to get to know that person and how you will determine if he/she is your life partner. And if you know someone who is in the process of exploring online dating services, support them in any way you can. It’s not easy to meet people these days and although there are some disadvantages to meeting someone this way, I think the positives far outweigh the negatives.

I would love to hear your stories!

Diana Concoff Morgan, M.A., H.H.E , Minister
can be reached at 925-980-9052 or www.WholeHeartPath.com

10 Tips to Rekindle Your Romance Tip #4 Express Clear Boundaries

10 Tips to Rekindle Your Romance

Tip # 4 Express Clear Boundaries

What is a boundary? In the context of this article, a boundary is where you end and the other person begins. Boundaries encompass the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual presence of a person. In a marriage, or any relationship it is important to acknowledge that you are two separate people with two distinct personalities, two different sets of life experiences, tastes, opinions, perceptions, etc.

So when I say, express clear boundaries, I am talking about verbal and not-verbal communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear. Don’t give off mixed messages. Do you say it’s ok when it isn’t? Do you not say anything when you need to say something? Do you hope your partner will “just know”? Do you think your partner should “just know”?

Clear boundaries require you to know what you want. Before you can communicate clearly, you have to know what you want so it requires you taking the time to check in with yourself.

Sometimes people don’t express clear boundaries because they are concerned about making the other person angry. Or they are concerned that someone will not accept and honor their boundary. Guess what! You can say what you want whether the other person accepts it or not. In fact, that’s the first step in expressing clear boundaries…not worrying about the response from the other person.

Clear expression of boundaries also includes inviting, welcoming and honoring your partner’s boundaries. Haven’t you ever found yourself thinking, “I just wish I knew what he/she really wanted?” If you are not expressing clear boundaries to each other in your marriage, you are both wasting time and energy guessing and wondering about your partner.

I recommend that you have a discussion about each other’s boundaries. Make agreements about how each of you would like to express your boundaries to the other person and how you would like your communications to be received.

If you’ve been married a long time or even together a long time, remember that we all change as we grow. You may assume that certain things are true for your partner but in fact they have changed. Don’t assume. Be open to that possibility. As you discuss your boundaries in the exercise below come to your partner with an open heart and mind. It’s important that neither of you makes the other wrong for having a certain boundary. (Stay tuned for “What if our boundaries conflict?”) We are all individuals, separate and unique people. And that’s what makes it interesting, right?

Here are some boundaries that you could start to discuss:

Alone time verses together time.

Time together, time together with other friends, time alone with other friends

Spending money

Environment in the home

Food

And the list could go on…you fill in the rest!

As always, I would love to hear your comments and questions!

Love and blessings,

Diana

Diana Concoff Morgan, M.A., H.H.E , Minister
can be reached at 925-980-9052 or www.WholeHeartPath.com